


Sense

by Tshilaba



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Gen, Mindfuck, be careful with this piece, possibly trigger warnings for dissociation, seriously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-01
Updated: 2015-09-03
Packaged: 2018-04-12 09:35:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4474319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tshilaba/pseuds/Tshilaba
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What is the difference between reality and our mind? Is there any difference? Is there any line between them at all? Or is it so blurred that it may as well not even be there for all the use it serves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It didn't make sense.

It didn't quite hurt...exactly. It didn't feel like much at all, if she was honest with herself.

She screamed, and again, there was no answer.

What happened? Why was she here, alone, in the snow? There was nothing but street lights and a city around her. A city she wasn't even completely sure she recognized through the fog.

Why was it she remembered that so clearly, yet she had no recollection of why or how she had wound up in the sallow glow of the street lights on an empty, snowy, foggy street?

It didn't make sense.

She remembered Rico being challenged to a game of chess.

She remembered volunteering as well, hiding her injured hand behind her back.

She stared at her hand in confusion. It was fine, yet she clearly recalled it being injured, bound as if it had been cut.

What had cut it though?

She shook her head. It hurt to think about that. She screamed for them again, but not even an echo returned.

_Erwin was the mastermind of the whole gig. Top of the line equipment, seating, refreshments. Just like an official event._

_She ran over and hugged him; a silent way of thanking him for not only putting up with her crazy schemes, but funding them as well._

"Arghh." She clutched her head. Why did she remember that and not this?

Each memory increased the pain.

And it didn't make sense.

She remembered pointing out a giant (could it be called life-size?), realistic-looking snake on a top shelf. That was to be her reward if they beat this...gang? But what was the punishment? Surely it couldn't be too bad, if the reward was a plastic snake that likely cost less than five bucks.

She stopped, frowning at the untouched snow as she tried to remember. She was rewarded with a twinge of pain and began walking again.

But...if they were playing chess...if it was Rico, and herself, and Levi...why had Annie been defeated, trapped by earth...bending? She didn't even know what to call it. Why was there what appeared to be a living teddy bear stuck in the blinds of her window in her room?

She stopped in her tracks, staring into space in shock as she realized that her room was the last thing she remembered before she found herself walking on the street.

That, and...

"LEVI!" she screamed again, her voice cracking that time, panic rising in her, tightening her chest.

Where was he? Why wasn't he answering her?

She remained unanswered and alone on a street she wasn't even sure she recognized. She had no knowledge of how she'd gotten there or how long she'd been walking, for when she looked behind her the snow lay undisturbed.

Was that a dream? Some sort of hallucination? Then why did the memories fel so clear?

It just didn't make sense.


	2. Chapter 2

They're yelling. Again. The third night in a row that they've yelled for so long. She'd lost track of the hours.

She curled on her side, arms wound tight around the small stuffed animal clutched tight to her chest. She didn't want to leave the safety of the spot she'd found, curled up in a corner of the closet. There's no lock that will keep them from coming in, but at least in her corner she wasn't in their range. They were more concerned with threatening to kill each other (though, at times, she had a hard time understanding if they wanted to kill each other or fuck, as they could shift quickly), than the small child they brought into the world nearly nine years ago.

Her stomach growled and she squeezed her eyes shut, hoping it would stop. She didn't want to go around them. Her very existence angered them. She sighed and climbed to her feet, leaving the stuffed animal on the floor. "I'll be back soon, Rina," she mumbled, climbing over the mattress that served as her bed, tripping slightly as her foot caught on the edge, before she stumbled out the room into the hallway.

Leaning back against the wall she adjusted her glasses as she strained her ears to see if they'd calmed down at all. It was a vain hope; they were all the louder outside of her room. Her stomach growled again, and she rolled her eyes to the ceiling before closing them in exasperation. Of all the times her body had to decide it needed food. She shook her head tiredly and started walking towards the kitchen.

"The fuck are you doing up?"

Of course her brother would be in here. Any other time he would be out getting high or drunk. "It's eight pm, David," she sighed.

"Yeah, time for little brats like you to be in bed."

"I'm not a toddler," she shot back, crossing her arms over her chest. "Plus, 'm hungry," she muttered, half under her breath. She watched his muddy brown eyes narrow slightly before his hand shot out and pulled her glasses off her face. "Hey!" she cried as her vision went blurry. "I need those to see!"

"Shuddup," he said, shoving her away from him. "Ya keep yellin' like that and Ma and Dad'll beatcha again."

She shuddered at the thought. "I need my glasses, David."

"Yeah, yeah." He shoved them back at her as he moved past her to the door. "I was fixin' them. Toldya to stop sleepin' in 'em. Dad beatcha the last time ya bent 'em, remember?" With that said, he left, the front door snapping shut behind him.

She shoved them back on quickly as her dad all but stormed into the living room. He glared at her a few moments before he bellowed "Why the hell are you up, you little shit?"

She swallowed hard and mumbled "I was hungry..."

"What was that?"

"I said I was hungry, D-daddy." He always assumed that the stutter was because she feared him but, as much as she _did_ fear him, she despised him even more. To her, he would never deserve to be called "Father" let alone "Daddy". The word always tasted bitter, like the metallic tang of blood from a busted tooth that lingers long after you rinse your mouth. She hated it. She looked up at him anxiously, wishing he would just let her go get _something_ ; her stomach was beginning to ache terribly.

He snorted. "Don't they feed you in that dump of a school?"

She shrugged even though she knew he wasn't expecting an answer. She'd been home for hours, how could a breakfast and lunch while she was at school honestly hold her over until the next day, especially when she normally had to take the money she needed from whatever was lying around. She always only took change, because they never missed it. The one time she'd taken a dollar bill, he'd beaten her so badly she limped for a week and had to forge a doctor's note saying she'd fallen out of a tree over the weekend to keep from getting more. She deserved everything she got; it was the price of being broken.

He glared at her a few minutes more before he jerked his head towards the kitchen. "Go eat an apple or some shit. I don't give a flying rat's fat ass."

"Yessir," she said gratefully, slipping past him and scampering into the kitchen. She glanced around the counters, hoping to see something they wouldn't get onto her for. There! In the fruit bowl, there were a few scattered oranges, a banana, and an apple sitting atop all of them. It was green too. _Great_ , she thought. _Maybe it'll last longer._ She picked it up and rinsed it off, biting into it just as her mother walked into the room.

"What are you doing?"

Ignoring her stomach's protests at being denied food again, she pulled the apple away from her mouth and said "Daddy said I could have an apple." It wasn't a lie, but she could see the look of disbelief in her mother's eyes as they raked over her stick-like frame; she'd lost all of her baby fat long ago, and her clothes were mostly hand-me-downs from her brother, far too large and only accentuating her size.

"You ate at school today, didn't you?"

It took all she had not to groan in frustration. Surely they knew she had to pay for the school's food? It wasn't as if they cared though, as they never beat her for the disappearing change. She swallowed nervously. "Yes ma'am," she replied. "But they have lunch at noon, and it's eight o'clock." _And I can't go eighteen hours without food._ She kept the last part to herself though. She didn't feel like having to forge another doctor's note to explain away damage to her face.

Her mother's dark brown eyes narrowed as if she were trying to detect any amount of disrespect in her response. "Fine. But Zoe?"

"Yes, Mama?"

"Where's David?"

Why had she even thought it would be about her? "He said he was going out, Mama."

There was only a grunt in response before the woman left the room.

Zoe signed and leaned back against the counter, propping her elbows on its surface. She blew her bangs out of her eyes as she took a bite of the apple. Maybe it would be better if she disappeared she thought, chewing and swallowing before taking another bite. They only cared about her brother anyway, and with the school holiday coming up after the weekend (the administrators called it a "holiday" but in truth it was a "we fucked up the summer constriction so now your education has to suffer". She wouldn't be surprised if the entire school was shut down. The neighborhood she lived in, just a few blocks from the school, was so rundown it was on the verge of being condemned. A lot of her neighbors were blacks or Hispanics, and her family got into it with them at least once a week. Aryan blood, as if. She would always consider them assholes. But the cops didn't help either.) she honestly wasn't sure when she would get to eat again.

She finished the apple and tossed the core into the trashcan, washing her hands and heading back to her room. She was stopped, however, when her father's hands balled into fists in the material of her shirt and yanked her off her feet.

"Where is it you fucking thief?"

"H-huh?" she stammered as he shook her, knocking her glasses slightly askew. She reached up shakily to fix them, staring up at him worriedly. "W-what are you talking about?"

"You know damn well what I'm talking about, you ungrateful little bitch."

She stared at him in confusion. Thief? Was he talking about the change? She could have sworn they ne--

He slung her to the ground angrily, where her cheek struck the coffee table, sending a searing pain through her face. It wasn't broken, she knew that pain, but it still hurt like hell and she could feel her eye starting to swell shut. "Where the fuck is it? Do you want me to take everything we let you have?"

She pushed herself up to her elbows, and then her knees. She was trying to think, to form some answer that would stall him, but her vision was blurry even with her glasses and her face was throbbing. She knew better than to touch it. She set her palms against the carpet, even though her elbows felt like they would give out at any moment. She could feel the tears welling in her eyes, dripping onto her glasses. Why was it always _her_? "I-I don't know, Daddy! I haven't touched anything! I've been in my room since I came home from school!"

He yanked her up by her ponytail, and loose though it was it dragged a pained yelp from her. "You didn't take the grand I got from Evan today?"

"N-no sir!" she choked out. "I don't have any use for money! Not after you showed me what happens when I take things that aren't mine!"

He dropped her onto her face again. "David musta took it. I'm gonna tear that kid's ass up..." he muttered, storming off.

Zoe whimpered softly, pushing herself up and stumbling to her room. She could feel the tears splashing, hot and wet, down her cheeks as she shut the door, sliding down to the floor with her back against it. Why? Why, why, why? Soon she was saying it aloud, broken by the sobs that escaped her chest, as she clambered over to the mattress in an attempt to get back to the closet. She gave up when she reached the mattress, her sobs growing in volume as she buried her face into her pillow. It hurt. Everything hurt. It would be better if she just disappeared. Then her parents wouldn't have to accommodate her anymore. It would be better for everyone...

~-~-~-~

She blinked tiredly and pushed herself up onto her knees. She realized she must have cried herself to sleep. Not that she wasn't used to it. She rubbed her eyes, forgetting her injury briefly. "Nngh, fuck" she muttered as pain shot through her cheek. It was difficult to see out of her left eye through the swelling over her cheekbone. She was going to have a black eye.

"Rina!" she cried, her pain forgotten for the moment as she scrambled into the closet fearfully. She let out a sigh of relief when she found the stuffed animal where she left it. She pulled it to her chest, petting the crest on its head like one would a small animal. She sat down and pulled her knees to her chest, setting the stuffed animal on her knees. "What should I do, Rina? They don't want me. They only want David. I'm the mistake in their life...the fuck up..."

The animal remained silent and she played with its paws. "I'll run away. I'm only a burden. I'm tired of being a burden." She got to her feet, the animal in her hands. "You'll stay with me, right?" She giggled as if she'd gotten a response. She set it down on the mattress. "Wait right there. I'm gonna pack our bag." She dug through the closet, finally pulling out an old army style backpack. She shoved some clothes into it before cinching it shut and putting it at the foot of the mattress. Her throat felt a bit dry, so she patted Rina's head once before going to the door. She pressed her ear to the wood and listened. The house seemed really...quiet. She frowned slightly and glanced at the old patched up analog alarm clock sitting next to her bed. Three twenty-three am. Usually David was home then. She cracked open the door slowly and glanced down the hallway.

There was a bit of light spilling in from the street lamp outside the window, but her brother's room was shut. So was the door to the first floor.

She passed along the hall and tried the knob. Locked. Of course. They'd gone out and left her home. She shrugged and walked to the bathroom, flicking the light on and getting herself a drink of water from the cup she used to brush her teeth. After a few sips, she glanced up at her reflection. Just as she thought, her cheek and below her eye, though no longer as swollen, was tinged blackish. "I look like David did when he pissed off the cops," she muttered to her reflection, setting the cup down and leaning closer to the mirror and pressing her fingers gingerly against her face. She winced in pain and pulled her hand away.

It would heal; they always did.


	3. Chapter 3

She finished the water and set the cup back in its place before using the toilet and washing her hands. She slipped back into her room, scooping up Rina in a tight hug before slipping the animal into her bag. She paused for a minute, debating.

She could easily pick the lock and go downstairs. That would be the safer path, physically speaking. The front door was only a few feet from the street. But Evan's house was also out there, and the front steps were perfectly in his view.

She looked at her window. It overlooked the back alley, so it would put her exactly where she needed to be to stay hidden. She chewed her lip thoughtfully and walked over to the window, unlatching it and pushing it open.

The screen only had a few holes in it, simply from age. David had been the one to constantly break out of his room, causing their parents to have to continually fix it.

She ran her fingers along the screen before she noticed a hole in the bottom right corner. She wiggled her finger through it and felt about on the outside. If she could just... Ah! There! She slipped her finger into the spring function that held the screen in place. Her tongue slipped out the corner of her mouth as she fumbled a bit before there was a soft pop! as the screen came loose.

"Now, I should be able to force it out..." she muttered. She pushed against the screen, but found she didn't have the strength. She sighed, resting her head against the cool glass pane. There had to be _some_ way. She glanced around her room. There had to be something she could use that had enough force to pop it out. She pushed at it again, cursing under her breath when it didn't give. She had no clue when her parents would be back; if she wanted to leave, it had to be then. She didn't have time to waste.

Time? Her mouth fell open in surprise as a thought occurred to her. That clock was heavy; she'd tripped over it and banged herself up so badly once that her parents thought David had beaten her up. She scrambled across the room and picked it up, letting out a grunt as her arms remembered its weight. She had to hurry, and she only had one chance. "I hate those kinda odds..." She had to crab-walk back to the window and took a deep breath before hurling the clock at the screen, praying it would work.

The screen strained under the force before finally popping out with a screech.

She nearly toppled out the window but managed to grab onto the frame, her chest heaving from the exertion. She cringed as the clock exploded on the gravel below. She closed her eyes and willed her heart to slow back to normal. After a moment, she grabbed her bag and slung it over her shoulders; leaning out the window, she glanced down.

It had to be over ten feet, but it was hard to tell with shitty vision.

She swallowed hard and shoved her glasses further up on her nose before climbing up into the window sill and reaching out to grab the drainage pipe. "Here goes nothin'..." She swung herself out onto the pipe, her heart stopping for a moment as the whole thing trembled and groaned.

By that point, she didn't care what she broke as long as she could get away without significant bodily injury.

She hit the ground with a crunch a few moments later. She could feel her left ankle twist slightly, but she didn't have time to worry about that, barely breaking from her crouch as she took off down the alley, away from the approaching sound of a car.

She finally came to a stop thirteen blocks somewhere to the northeast, bending over with her hands on her knees and struggling to catch her breath. Her ankle was throbbing painfully; she didn't want to see how swollen it was. She glanced up at her surroundings. She knew the place by description only.

It was the shopping district with a Pokemon Center. She'd always wanted to come, but... She shook her head. She had to keep moving.

She doubted her parents would even care, but she wasn't willing to risk being dragged back only to face more hell.

~

She's settled into an alley a block away. It had been nearly a week and no one had come looking. She always avoided being seen, slipping behind the dumpster, so perhaps she just hadn't given them the chance.

She didn't care.

They only wanted her around to knock around like a sandbag. Starving to death in a back alley was better than that.

A week passed, and then two. It was amazing what perfectly consumable food New Yorkers just throw away, but she knew well how to scavenge.

The weeks turned into a month. Then two. She visited the Pokemon Center a few times. Mostly staring in through the window, but once she managed to get inside and look around.

She was nursing her hand to the best of her ability. She sat against the dumpster, tying an old shirt around her hand; she'd moved alleys for the third time that week, this time because she'd pissed off a cat.

"I hafta eat too," she muttered angrily around the shirt between her teeth. She tugged the ends of the shirt again to make sure it was tight before she sighed, leaning her head back against the cold metal. She shuddered, puling her jacket tighter around her body.

She heard laughter. Frowning, she got onto her hands and knees and crawled over to peer around the dumpster.

Out on the sidewalk were two little kids, one dressed as Cinderella and one as The Riddler, tugging on their parents' hands, giggling. Their plastic pumpkins clacked around.

She felt her chest tighten and pulled back, huddling against the bricks and pulling her knees to her chest. She sniffled silently. She'd never had that, so why was she crying? She didn't know.

She cried herself to sleep for the first time since she'd left.

~

Another month was waning. She'd busted her glasses a few days prior, tripping and falling on her face. Her nose still stung a bit.

The day was slowly slipping into dusk as she lay her head back against the wall. She sighed softly and glanced toward the sky.

She could live without glasses. But she missed being able to count the stars until she fell asleep. What few could be seen in the city, at least.

She got to her feet and walked to the alley entrance and peeked around the corner.

The block seemed quiet, so she slipped out onto the sidewalk and walked over to the Italian restaurant. She was about to head to the back door and beg for some pasta (She'd convinced the owner that her mommy was sick and couldn't go to work, so he usually gave her some. It wasn't always fresh, usually food that had been sitting a while and he couldn't sell. But it was food.) when a sound reached her ears.

She looked up and saw the blurry figure of someone approaching from the opposite direction before squeaking and scrambling back into the alley. She hid behind the dumpster.

_I don't want to go back. I don't want to be shoved around David, or beaten by them. I've got Rina. I'm fi--_

Her thoughts came crashing to a halt as a boy's voice said "Hey! I saw you come down this alley. What's your deal?"

_Maybe if I don't answer, he'll go away..._

"Hey." He stuck his head around the dumpster and she screamed and slammed back into it.

"Ow..." She rubbed the back of her now-throbbing head and glared up at him. He had dark hair that fell into his grey eyes but it was cut short underneath. His face didn't seem angry though.

But he didn't seem to care either.

"What are you doing here?"

She looked away, her hand reaching slowly for her bag. _I'll grab it and run. He won't follow for long..._

He stepped back and she had to fight the urge to squint to keep him in focus.

"What's wrong with you? Don't you talk?"

"Go fuck yourself. I don't need you."

He snorted. "Come on." He reached down and grabbed her wrist ( _His hand is so warm, so...real_ , she thought in shock. Nothing had felt real lately.) before hauling her to her feet. "At least have dinner with us. Then Mom can take you home."

Home? Her lip curled in anger and she yanked her arm away. "I'd rather die than go back there!" she said, her voice cracking as its pitch rose. "That's not my home! It never was! You can't make me go back!"

He was silent for a moment before he turned his hand over, holding it out to her.

She glared at it and then up at him, wordlessly demanding an explanation.

"Come on," he said again, surprisingly gentle. "If that's not your home, then the least I can do is get you food and a warm bed until you find your home."

She looked at him, trying to read his eyes hopelessly. Finally, her stomach growled loudly. She looked at her feet. "Okay..."

He nodded and waited for her to pick up her bag and follow him out of the alley.

They walked for a few minutes in silence before he said "You wear glasses?"

"Y-yeah. They busted a few days ago though."

He seems to really enjoy nodding, she noticed.

"My name is Levi."

"Zoe."

"My mom's name is Catheryn, but everyone calls her Catie."

"Got it."

"Oh, and try not to cuss around them. I don't let them hear me either."

She nodded. She glanced up to look at him. Now that she could see him...why did he feel safe? She sighed. Her head was starting to hurt again; she couldn't muster the energy to figure him out then.

It would be nice to not have to sleep half awake.


End file.
